advices · Confession · In your shoes

Are you doing it for the right reasons ?!

For quite some times in my life, I had given myself a specific task: finding the perfect boyfriend. To be honest, I had a few hearth brakes which had left me pretty shaken up. I was therefore determine to find me somebody that was totally the opposite of my exes. I was thus on the hunt, looking for “boyfriend material” signs in every men I meet: at the club, at work, at school, while grocery shopping, driving etc. I had given myself one and only mission: find the one that could ride along with me. Somebody I could cuddle with, Someone who will be ready to know the scariest part of me , hear my concerns and the list goes on.

Through this journey, I met quite a few men, dated some, very casual. They all had the qualifications of “what I was looking for”, but they never stayed; ghosted as we all say today. They always  disappear when everything seems to be good. The what I called “growing relationships” always end at the “get-to-know-each-other-phase”, “creating-habits-phase”, “developing-feelings-phase”. Nothing more, nothing less.

However while being on this crusade, I was not realizing that I was losing my real purpose. I was neglecting my hobbies, forgetting my goals, losing my drive in life and only  doing the strict minimum: school and work. Because, guess what, all I could think about is finding somebody that could “help” me through my journey .

Nonetheless, my environment was definitely adding fuel to this madness. I am definitely not easily influenceable , but to be completely honest it is quite easy to get caught up in the current.

This world has made us think that our end goal was to find our other half, that someone who will fix everything, take away our torments and miseries; and with whom we can live happily ever after.

Hell, we were raised to think like that, i.e. Fairy tales, TV Shows . Social Media does not help either. We all have seen these memes on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter about these “… will help catch a man” , whether it’s an outfit, an hairstyle, a workout routine, a skin care routine …

To say the least, added to my personal insecurities, I was following the culture. I would spend nights looking at those Instagram posts about “relationships goals”, “goals couples” etc. Moreover,  most of my friends were getting into serious relationships while I was still on the quest to find Love . Trust me, I was very happy for them and I still am, but I could not keep myself from wondering when my turn would come. I would pray God, asking HIM to send me somebody, asking HIM to put me in a relationship.

 At this time, I surely forgot that God never Gives us what we want , but always gives us what we need.

The days would past, and still could not find what I wanted. I was still going from one disappointment to the next . I would call my mom, and explain my concerns, wondering if something was wrong with me. I even made the joke that I was cursed , and would probably end up with a bunch of cats- which is very silly because  I hate Cats! However, as the good mother that she is, she would tell me:

“They were not meant for you Annie. Nobody will stay in your life if it’s not meant to be. God will most definitely not let that happen”.

Then, I would respond:

“But why does He put them in the first place”.

And Everytime, I would call, she would tell me the same thing , and I would respond the same way.

Thankfully, the past few days have been a time for self-discovery, and self-discernment. I promise you, God had opened my eyes. He put a stop to this nonsense that I was living in ,and gave me the opportunity to self-assess my choices, my thoughts, my past experiences; my life in a whole in all actuality .

That being said,  I now understand why these men were coming into my life but couldn’t last. I know for a fact now that I was looking for a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons. I know now that I was far from ready all this time . I was not only dwelling in the past , but I also made the biggest mistake to Compare. Compare what I had to what I could have, Compare what I had to what I actually deserve, Compare what I had to what God has actually in store for me. I was so stuck up, wondering what  was wrong in my last relationships, that I was trying to compensate that void with another one.

But no more, I learned my lesson. If truth be told, How could all these guys be ready for me if I was not ready myself?  How could they take me seriously, if all I wanted is to be saved? How could they take me seriously, if I was not taking myself seriously? How could they acknowledge me, if I did not know my worth?

Consequently, I realized that first and foremost , I needed to get it together! I needed to work on myself, make peace with my demons, become my own competition, embrace my flaws, my fears and insecurities, and eventually the right person would come along the way.

All this time, I was looking for somebody to complete me when all I needed was self-Acknowledgement, Self-Validation and Self-Empowerment.

For that instance, are YOU , reading this, is ready for a relationship? Are, YOU, reading this, is searching for a partner for the right reasons? Are YOU, reading this IS in a relationship for the right reasons? Are you done working on yourself? Are you actually working on the best version of yourself?  Because, at the end of the day, only you can do that, no one else.

Nobody can see your potential, if you don’t see them yourself. Be your own motivation, challenge yourself. Be Patient, Be purposeful. Your worth does not rely on somebody’s approval. Nobody can’t help you get where you need to be than yourself. Nobody will love or see how important you are if you don’t value yourself first.

Because, Confidence and Beauty come from within. ALWAYS.

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