Confession · lifestyle

I Decided To Reclaim Who I Am

Disclaimer:  I am sharing my own experience in this article. I am not bashing any hair types, or any hair textures.  Each woman is entitled to do whatever they feel like with every inch of their body, and should not feel ashamed of doing so.  However, my goal is to empower people who are scared to be themselves, who are scared of being judged. Been there, done that.  People will have something to say no matter what you do.  So Might as well do what makes you happy.

I remember my first relaxer as if it was done yesterday. It was a Friday, after school , a week before my first communion, and I was nine years old. My mom took me to her friend’s beauty salon and told me that I was getting a deep treatment. She wanted to surprise me, because since my best friend at the time had her hair relaxed, I would never stop asking her to do the same.

Moreover, it was a trend, and I felt cool, and grown. Most girls at my school had a relaxer. So guess what!!I wanted a relaxer too, so I could show off how long  my hair was, so I could do ponytails and play with the ends, so I could take pictures with my hair covering half of my face. So you can imagine how excited and happy I was when I realized that was getting a perm like everybody else.

Then, it became a routine, I could not see my life without it. Every month and a half to two months, I would retouch my roots. My kinky roots were unmanageable to me, and to be honest I felt ugly with them.

In actuality, One of my biggest fear when I got to college was based on my hair. I did not know how I would do them, who would do them, where I would do them. I was scared of breakage because everybody know that if you don’t take care of your relaxed hair, you’ll lose them.  And to be honest, at the time I always thought that my beauty lied in my hair. Having short hair was super unattractive to me, and cutting my hair was a nightmare.

Fast forwarding to the summer of my freshman year…

I went back to my country Haiti, feeling like a new person, an adult, and felt that I could do everything that I put my mind into. The world was at my feet. I was learning about myself, started to appreciate every inch of my body. I felt grown, confident.

So guess what I decided to do?! CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF! Yes you read right, cut all my hair into a pixie cut. The shortest that my hair has ever been.  My sister hated it, my dad thought that I was going through some rough paths, other members of my family thought that I was crazy and that America got into me, my boyfriend at the time hated it and broke up with me ( but that’s another story though . However, I felt good, free, sexy, and my confidence level was at its maximum. I was reclaiming who I was, and rejecting all these beauty norms that society had placed upon women, upon Black Women to say the least.

That haircut was like a rite of passage to me. It was a way to tell everybody that I was taking charge now. I did not want to bind to society rules anymore, I wanted to create mine. Trust me, it was not a crisis, but it was a way for me to feel that I was not that little girl anymore.

Anyways, I was in love with that haircut. It made me realized that my hair was just an accessory to my overall beauty. I had so much more to offer, and this haircut opened the door to self discovery.

Then a year and a half through my pixie cut, I decided to become natural. ( I actually want to give a special shoutout to my friend Vicky for pushing me, and encouraging me through the process). At first, I wanted to slowly transitioned, because again, I could not see myself with a tiny afro.

However, everybody who had gone through the process or is going through it now, knows how annoying and frustrating it is to deal with two different textures. So, as you would guess, I decided to big chop. With no hesitation, took my scissors and started cutting those straight ends. Trust me, I had no idea of what I was doing, or even how I would look, but I was determined to start fresh.

And again, My whole family hated it, my dad thought that I was confused in my life, my boyfriend at the time hated it too and told me that I was not considerate of him. But little did I care. I was again reclaiming who I am. Rejecting again society’s rules about beauty, gender etc.. Each day was a learning experience. I was learning to appreciate what I despised for so long. I was learning to appreciate my true self. The raw, and unfiltered me. And only God knows how it felt good. My hair was like a plant. I was nurturing it, take care of it, say positive words to it. Every inch that I grew was a milestone.

In fact, my hair became a way to express myself. Through them, I was defining who I was, and who I wanted to become. Because of them, I learn to appreciate my own opinions, not other’s. Little did I care, when people thought that my pixie cut was provocative, my twa (teeny weeny afro) made me look like a tomboy. Little did I care when people would tell me that so and so had curlier hair than mine, longer hair than mine, or even questioned my decision of going natural, as if I was going through a phase . I DID NOT CARE. I was living for myself, and nothing people would say could hurt me .

Because once again, I am reclaiming who I am. I am on the journey of accepting, and loving who I am. And nobody in the whole world can tell me nothing. This is just the beginning.


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advices · Confession · In your shoes

Are you doing it for the right reasons ?!

For quite some times in my life, I had given myself a specific task: finding the perfect boyfriend. To be honest, I had a few hearth brakes which had left me pretty shaken up. I was therefore determine to find me somebody that was totally the opposite of my exes. I was thus on the hunt, looking for “boyfriend material” signs in every men I meet: at the club, at work, at school, while grocery shopping, driving etc. I had given myself one and only mission: find the one that could ride along with me. Somebody I could cuddle with, Someone who will be ready to know the scariest part of me , hear my concerns and the list goes on.

Through this journey, I met quite a few men, dated some, very casual. They all had the qualifications of “what I was looking for”, but they never stayed; ghosted as we all say today. They always  disappear when everything seems to be good. The what I called “growing relationships” always end at the “get-to-know-each-other-phase”, “creating-habits-phase”, “developing-feelings-phase”. Nothing more, nothing less.

However while being on this crusade, I was not realizing that I was losing my real purpose. I was neglecting my hobbies, forgetting my goals, losing my drive in life and only  doing the strict minimum: school and work. Because, guess what, all I could think about is finding somebody that could “help” me through my journey .

Nonetheless, my environment was definitely adding fuel to this madness. I am definitely not easily influenceable , but to be completely honest it is quite easy to get caught up in the current.

This world has made us think that our end goal was to find our other half, that someone who will fix everything, take away our torments and miseries; and with whom we can live happily ever after.

Hell, we were raised to think like that, i.e. Fairy tales, TV Shows . Social Media does not help either. We all have seen these memes on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter about these “… will help catch a man” , whether it’s an outfit, an hairstyle, a workout routine, a skin care routine …

To say the least, added to my personal insecurities, I was following the culture. I would spend nights looking at those Instagram posts about “relationships goals”, “goals couples” etc. Moreover,  most of my friends were getting into serious relationships while I was still on the quest to find Love . Trust me, I was very happy for them and I still am, but I could not keep myself from wondering when my turn would come. I would pray God, asking HIM to send me somebody, asking HIM to put me in a relationship.

 At this time, I surely forgot that God never Gives us what we want , but always gives us what we need.

The days would past, and still could not find what I wanted. I was still going from one disappointment to the next . I would call my mom, and explain my concerns, wondering if something was wrong with me. I even made the joke that I was cursed , and would probably end up with a bunch of cats- which is very silly because  I hate Cats! However, as the good mother that she is, she would tell me:

“They were not meant for you Annie. Nobody will stay in your life if it’s not meant to be. God will most definitely not let that happen”.

Then, I would respond:

“But why does He put them in the first place”.

And Everytime, I would call, she would tell me the same thing , and I would respond the same way.

Thankfully, the past few days have been a time for self-discovery, and self-discernment. I promise you, God had opened my eyes. He put a stop to this nonsense that I was living in ,and gave me the opportunity to self-assess my choices, my thoughts, my past experiences; my life in a whole in all actuality .

That being said,  I now understand why these men were coming into my life but couldn’t last. I know for a fact now that I was looking for a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons. I know now that I was far from ready all this time . I was not only dwelling in the past , but I also made the biggest mistake to Compare. Compare what I had to what I could have, Compare what I had to what I actually deserve, Compare what I had to what God has actually in store for me. I was so stuck up, wondering what  was wrong in my last relationships, that I was trying to compensate that void with another one.

But no more, I learned my lesson. If truth be told, How could all these guys be ready for me if I was not ready myself?  How could they take me seriously, if all I wanted is to be saved? How could they take me seriously, if I was not taking myself seriously? How could they acknowledge me, if I did not know my worth?

Consequently, I realized that first and foremost , I needed to get it together! I needed to work on myself, make peace with my demons, become my own competition, embrace my flaws, my fears and insecurities, and eventually the right person would come along the way.

All this time, I was looking for somebody to complete me when all I needed was self-Acknowledgement, Self-Validation and Self-Empowerment.

For that instance, are YOU , reading this, is ready for a relationship? Are, YOU, reading this, is searching for a partner for the right reasons? Are YOU, reading this IS in a relationship for the right reasons? Are you done working on yourself? Are you actually working on the best version of yourself?  Because, at the end of the day, only you can do that, no one else.

Nobody can see your potential, if you don’t see them yourself. Be your own motivation, challenge yourself. Be Patient, Be purposeful. Your worth does not rely on somebody’s approval. Nobody can’t help you get where you need to be than yourself. Nobody will love or see how important you are if you don’t value yourself first.

Because, Confidence and Beauty come from within. ALWAYS.

Wild Thoughts

I Want HIM…

What do I want? What do I want to do? Do I want to make a move, or look from afar. Do I want to take actions or let these feelings destroy me?

“I don’t know” says my heart, but my mind keeps reminding me that I am lying to myself.

Yes my mind is right, I am lying. Deep down I know…

I know that I want Him. I know that I want Him to be part of my life. We probably not meant for each other. Maybe a smile is the closest attention that I can get, but I still want Him. No one else but Him.

I want us to be intimate. I want us to break the rules, forget about the world, and live. Live just for each other.

I want to create memories. I want him to mark my life. I want him to be in my life. I want him to BE my life .

Yes, this is what I want.

Around him, I lose control. Around him, I want to be perfect. For him, I want to be ready and available.

Yes, I’m ready… Ready to put my ego, feelings, and values aside. Just to share a moment, just for a dance, just for a kiss, just to be in his world. Just. Us. Two

This is not Love. Probably,

Curiosity or,

Fierceness or,

Desire or,

Lust.

Maybe all of the above. Can’t decide!

All I know is that. I. Want. Him.